Out of Sight, Out of Mind.

                  Growing up I was always afraid of losing or being denied by someone. I would let loves ones and friends walk all over me and dictate my life. Mostly I let everyone around me control my feelings I had about myself.

                   I have always thought I had full control of my feelings on how I felt about me. The older I got, the more I realized, I didn’t like me. My hair wasn’t the way I wanted, I wasn’t skinny enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, and on and on. No matter what, I pushed those feelings aside and moved on because I thought if I didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t be there. Out of sight, out of mind.

                                        Eventually they come out, one by one. 

                    One major thing I have always struggled with was relationships and being alone. Those two for me go hand in hand. From as little as I can remember I have always had a “boyfriend” or some guy there I was trying to be with. I’ve never learned to be myself. Of course, young relationships most of the time do not last. Each and every time one ended, I was always very devastated.

                    The hardest break-up for me to go through was with my high school boyfriend. At that time in my life, things were hard for me. I had already gone through more things than most adults. I grew up faster than I should have. I had voids in my life that made life very difficult to get up and put a smile on my face everyday. At the time, he filled those voids for me. To him it was just another relationship but for me, it was much more. He took on a bigger role in my life than I think he was aware of and too young to understand. So when he left, all of those voids came back. Maybe it was because of the home life I had, I only had a few people in around me that made me feel loved. Maybe it was because I didn’t have a real big male figure it my life. Still to this day, after being married, it’s hard for me to understand he’s gone and it’s going to remain that way. As strange as that may sound.

                   With all of this being said, it still is very difficult for me to know who I am. I still struggle with feeling good about myself. I still let people dictate my feelings about me. For example, that simple high school boyfriend. He can still make me feel amazing and seconds later more upset than I have been in a while.

                   I know I need to let go of things I can’t change. I know I need to do more things for myself. I also know I need to be happy about the people I do have in my life that love me way more than I love myself.

                 Each and every day, I am working on this. I will continue until I feel the way I should. I am something great, everyone is. The people who do not realize this, should not have the privilege to make you so unhappy. I may not be okay today but I will be.

 

“Love yourself…
enough to take the actions required for your happiness…

enough to cut yourself loose from the drama-filled past…
enough to set a high standard for relationships…
enough to feed your mind and body in a healthier manner…
enough to give yourself…
enough to move on…”
Steve Maraboli

 

 

xo.H

 

 

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From the Lens

                              Today, while cleaning out my basement, I found an old phone of mine from a few years back. Of course my first thought was to bring up my gallery and see what photos I have had stored. My second thought was to share them all with you. These particular photographs were some of my first I have taken when I was really getting into driving around just to take photos. I am so glad I came across them today. I hope you enjoy!

 
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xo. H

Our Wonderful World

I absolutely love photography. It’s definitely a hobby of mine. My sister and I will sometimes drive for hours on the back roads in the small town we live in. I can not even begin to tell you how many miles I put on my car just to have a day filled with taking pictures. Scenery photographs are my favorite to capture. The world we live in is so beautiful when we take a minute to really look around and realized how blessed we are to be able to call this amazing place home. Today I wanted to share some of my photographs I have taken this past year. Enjoy!

 

 

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xo. H

August 10, 1992

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The day my life started.

                  Some of you may already know my story and for those of you that do not, I’m Haley Bailey. Welcome to my life. I think I may have deleted, rewrote, deleted, and rewrote a few dozens times already. Followed by staring at the screen for it seems like countless minutes. Every time I started writing, I realized I didn’t want to upset anyone I ended up writing about or didn’t want to sound “weird”. I started this blog basically more or less for myself. I have always dealt with depression, low self-esteem, and I hold onto things I know I need to let go of to be able to live a life I will love. With that being said, I know I need to be brutally honest. For myself. No matter who it may upset or who may find what I have to say weird.

                I was born to the very young parents of John and Laurie. Barely adults, still in high school, and very immature. Two people who were incapable of taking care of a child. Somewhere along the way, my grandparents took over. To say I am thankful and blessed to have been raised by them, would be an understatement.

              Like most high school parents, their love didn’t keep them together. They went on to have a few more children. My mother had two. My brother Justin and my sister Nichole, “Nikki”. My father had three. My brother Drayven and my sisters Ivy and Raine. I also have one stepbrother, Ian, from my father and stepmother’s marriage. It’s hard for me to say this, most of us were born into this already broken family. I was fortunate enough to be able to grow up with Justin and Nikki. We lived with our mother’s parents. Thankfully, our grandparents did the very best they could to make sure we had a good childhood. Beyond us, Ivy lived with her mother, Raine lived with hers, and Drayven and Ian live with my father and stepmother. Like it was hard to say before, it’s still hard to say now, most of us were born into this already broken family.

               Knowing that my dad’s side of my siblings were all spread out, over such a small area in the world, wasn’t upsetting to me when I was younger. I don’t think I understood then how different my life was. Most of my friends families were just as dysfunctional as we were. Also back then, it felt like nothing could hurt me. As I grew older, however, every week it bothered me more and more. Some of us would go months without seeing each other and some of us only saw each other on the holidays. That should have never been how our lives were between us.

                   As we grew older, Ivy and I became very close right before she graduated from high school. We became bestfriends, fast. We wouldn’t go more than a day without talking or seeing each other. It was insane how much alike we were but grew up so far apart and frankly, didn’t get along very well in our younger years. Being around each other so much , there wasn’t anything we didn’t talk about. We had years to catch up on. I think she may be part of the reason I’m doing this blog. We both felt the same way through the years apart. Kind of like our parents didn’t do the best of job they could have helping us through our dysfunctional life, that they gave us. I don’t think they even understood how much it bothered us while we were growing up.

                     I have never really blamed any of our parents. When you have kids, you aren’t given a book of answers and tips on what to do. I also felt bad if I blamed them. Now that I am 24, married, and want to start a family of my own, I think I may have started to blame them. I ask myself questions about them all the time. Should I be mad? Could they have done something differently? Did they care? Do they care? Question after question in my own mind that I can never answer myself.

 

             
Refuse to inherit dysfunction. Learn new ways
of living instead of repeating what
you have lived through.”
           -Thema Davis

 

 

xo. H