The day my life started.
Some of you may already know my story and for those of you that do not, I’m Haley Bailey. Welcome to my life. I think I may have deleted, rewrote, deleted, and rewrote a few dozens times already. Followed by staring at the screen for it seems like countless minutes. Every time I started writing, I realized I didn’t want to upset anyone I ended up writing about or didn’t want to sound “weird”. I started this blog basically more or less for myself. I have always dealt with depression, low self-esteem, and I hold onto things I know I need to let go of to be able to live a life I will love. With that being said, I know I need to be brutally honest. For myself. No matter who it may upset or who may find what I have to say weird.
I was born to the very young parents of John and Laurie. Barely adults, still in high school, and very immature. Two people who were incapable of taking care of a child. Somewhere along the way, my grandparents took over. To say I am thankful and blessed to have been raised by them, would be an understatement.
Like most high school parents, their love didn’t keep them together. They went on to have a few more children. My mother had two. My brother Justin and my sister Nichole, “Nikki”. My father had three. My brother Drayven and my sisters Ivy and Raine. I also have one stepbrother, Ian, from my father and stepmother’s marriage. It’s hard for me to say this, most of us were born into this already broken family. I was fortunate enough to be able to grow up with Justin and Nikki. We lived with our mother’s parents. Thankfully, our grandparents did the very best they could to make sure we had a good childhood. Beyond us, Ivy lived with her mother, Raine lived with hers, and Drayven and Ian live with my father and stepmother. Like it was hard to say before, it’s still hard to say now, most of us were born into this already broken family.
Knowing that my dad’s side of my siblings were all spread out, over such a small area in the world, wasn’t upsetting to me when I was younger. I don’t think I understood then how different my life was. Most of my friends families were just as dysfunctional as we were. Also back then, it felt like nothing could hurt me. As I grew older, however, every week it bothered me more and more. Some of us would go months without seeing each other and some of us only saw each other on the holidays. That should have never been how our lives were between us.
As we grew older, Ivy and I became very close right before she graduated from high school. We became bestfriends, fast. We wouldn’t go more than a day without talking or seeing each other. It was insane how much alike we were but grew up so far apart and frankly, didn’t get along very well in our younger years. Being around each other so much , there wasn’t anything we didn’t talk about. We had years to catch up on. I think she may be part of the reason I’m doing this blog. We both felt the same way through the years apart. Kind of like our parents didn’t do the best of job they could have helping us through our dysfunctional life, that they gave us. I don’t think they even understood how much it bothered us while we were growing up.
I have never really blamed any of our parents. When you have kids, you aren’t given a book of answers and tips on what to do. I also felt bad if I blamed them. Now that I am 24, married, and want to start a family of my own, I think I may have started to blame them. I ask myself questions about them all the time. Should I be mad? Could they have done something differently? Did they care? Do they care? Question after question in my own mind that I can never answer myself.
“Refuse to inherit dysfunction. Learn new ways
of living instead of repeating what
you have lived through.”